Eulogy Exercise: Methods

Well since I received no comments, I guess I'll take a shot at it... How can we:


Clarify the expectations of others and learn how they really think you are doing?

• Humility is the key to achieving this. I keep running into a similar quote, latest was in Avatar. "A full cup can hold no more." You need to truly believe that "you do not know everything", and that "you can learn from them". If you believe you KNOW what your spouse wants, thinks, or feels, how can you truly listen and learn?
• Now that you have some space in your cup, you need to really listen with an empathetic and focused ear. A test if you are listening well: "Can you paraphrase what someone just told you to their satisfaction?" Bonus points if you can truly feel why it is important to them...
• Now you need to challenge your own personal resistances and bias. Humans often hear only the points that support their personal belief, and discount or totally block out things that "do not compute". It takes a dedicated and conscious effort to look at the dialogue through a different "frame" and look for feedback that supports an alternative belief system or hypothesis... It is scary to question our core beliefs and perceptions, however it is critical to do if the other party is important to you. What can they see that I am missing?

Balance meeting their needs, while being true to yourself and your principles?

• I believe the answer to this is documenting your principles clearly, keeping them in front of you, and striving to meet them. This provides an absolute grounding point and compass that guides your beliefs, behaviors and actions. Also, it will help to define the important people in your life. (ie those eulogizer's that truly matter)
• The principles also help you to balance your commitments to the "important" people. And they help you behave more consistently, which is appreciated by most people I interact with. (ie they know what to expect)
• Finally, the principles will guide your behaviors and warn you before you go too far astray.

Avoid misleading yourself into believing you are "better" than you really are? (ie self awareness, facing reality, etc)

• Like topic 1: pay attention to "ALL" feedback, especially that which disagrees with your belief... Then question what it means.

Changing or living by your beliefs, behaviors and actions to really earn the desired words?

• Everyday is a new day and you have free will !!!! What happened previously may have created habits, been good/terrible, etc. However, today is new and you are free to create new habits, behaviors, beliefs, actions, etc. The challenge is that you really need to want your life to be different and you need to be willing to give up chains that tie you to your old life.
• One technique is to use daily affirmations to sway your subconscious into believing that the change has already occurred. (ie I feel empowered when public speaking because it gives me the opportunity to share my knowledge with others.)
• Make full use of the "pause point" that occurs between when someone does or says something that ruffles your feathers, and you take action, reply, etc. During this time you are creating a story from your perspective, force yourself to question the story's validity. Also, remember your principles during this time and let them guide you to the best response. Thereby avoiding escalating the situation by saying or doing something you will regret.
• Remember that rarely is anyone out to get you. Since they are focused on themselves and their needs, just like you are.
• Finally, you will fail sometimes !!! Make a plan to accept it quickly, brush yourself off, and start again ASAP. Creating new life long habits typically does not happen the first time.

Thoughts? What did I miss?