Eulogy Exercise: The Problem

Let's say that you did the eulogy exercise as I recommended and gave some serious thought to what you would want your spouse, children, grand children, friends, employer, community members, religious leader, etc to say about you during your funeral. This means that you now have a list of phrases in mind. For example, Bob was an(a):

• excellent husband and father who loved, respected, provided for, etc his spouse and children.
• dynamic and creative employee who achieved results and helped his fellow co-workers
• wonderful friend who you enjoyed being with and could count on in your time of need
• charitable and devout man who honored his civic and religious responsibilities, and lived by his religious convictions
• successful businessman that people respected greatly
• free spirit that seized opportunities to experience life
• and on, on and on

This is a great start, however I am sorry to say that this is the easy part. Most of us know what our terms of "success" are, the challenge is understanding what success looks like through the eyes of the other people. For them to say those words, "they" need to perceive that your actions earned them. (ie not your belief...) Here are some examples of what can go sorely wrong when we deceive ourselves and/or don't look at the issue from the "eulogizer's" point of view:

• The husband that works 60+ hrs/wk to provide for his family when they want him home for supper at night.
• An employee that works on many excellent tasks and gains results that are not valued by his employer. Or the employee that micro-manages or interrupts his peers while trying to help them.
• A guy who had fun with "friends", however he was frustrating to be around and they were too polite to say anything.
• The citizen who thinks voting once every 4 years is being a good citizen.
• The parishioner that goes to church every Sunday, yet turns his back on the needy in his community or does not honor other religious values during the week. Or gives a "healthy" 3% when everyone else gives 8%.
• A businessman that is feared by his employees or succeeds by questionable means.
• A gentleman moves from one activity to another without completing or committing to any of them.

In all of these cases, the individual can fool themselves into believing they are "living right" and earning the kind words they desire. However, I don't think the eulogies will be what he expected... Overcoming this is incredibly difficult, because it requires us to really face our vices/virtues and what others expect from us. And then we need to balance this against our core principles.

At this point I was going to give some ideas on how to manage this problem, however I would like to hear my reader's thoughts on how to best:

• Clarify the expectations of others and learn how they really think you are doing?
• Balance meeting their needs, while being true to yourself and your principles?
• Avoid misleading yourself into believing you are "better" than you really are? (ie self awareness, facing reality, etc)
• Changing or living by your beliefs, behaviors and actions to really earn the desired words?

Remember, you set the goals in the first portion. Now do you want to refine them or really live up to them? Thoughts?