9 Steps to Good Effective Listening. I copied there steps below for your convenience.
I have written about this before, however I have been recently reminded exactly how hard it is to be a really good and effective listener !!! :-O So many distractions, wanting to chime in with your position / story / solution, so little time, other. This means you get a remedial class in listening skills and techniques. :-) Enjoy!!!
1. It’s not about you. Whenever you’re talking to someone and wish to lend an empathetic ear, the first thing you need to understand is that it’s not about you. That’s the secret to authentic empathic listening – placing your conversation partner above your needs. And it can be quite hard to put aside personal opinions and make it all about him/her. After all, you’re not his/her therapist. So, before you decide to be there for someone, make sure you’re available emotionally. Otherwise, there’s no point in encouraging him/her to share a personal issue for which you’re not ready to provide understanding and support.
2. Put away your phone Too often we find ourselves checking our phone or answering a text message while the other person may be pouring their heart out. This is one of those unpleasant habits that many of us have adopted as a result of living in the digital era. We get so hooked on social media that we sometimes end up losing sight of the person who’s right there in front of us. And it’s impossible to establish an emotional bond when you’re regularly checking your phone, and all you can say is “Aha” or “I understand.” So, whenever you wish to offer empathy and create an authentic connection, put your phone away and ask the other person to do the same. G2A addition: Turn OFF the TV, Put down the book, newspaper, other. No distractions.
3. Be an active listener. In a way empathic listening and active listening are synonymous. Being an active listener means being present in the conversation. It means ignoring any distractions and focusing exclusively on the person in front of you. Active listeners live in the ‘here and now.’ They immerse themselves into the other person’s universe and seek to gain a better understanding of the topic in discussion. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to listen and nod in silence. A conversation is a two-way street where both partners exchange ideas, impressions, and seek to resonate with one another emotionally. In short, active listening is about presence and depth.
4. Refrain from criticism. As you can probably imagine, empathic listening implies a high degree of emotional intelligence. When someone shares a story or event that holds significant importance to him/her, it would be ideal to refrain from evaluations, criticism, or negative feedback. There are times when other people’s problems may seem trivial, ridiculous, or even infuriating. But once again, it’s not about you, it about them. Remember, your goal is to understand and provide emotional support. Any form of criticism will only create tension and make it difficult for you to ‘forge’ authentic connections. Listen, understand, and empathize.
5. Adjust your body language. As you probably know, body language is of paramount importance for authentic social interactions. When it comes to empathic listening, your body can help you create the kind of interaction that makes room for understanding and empathy. Your posture and gestures can either bring people closer or create a barrier that makes it difficult for you to listen actively and empathically. If you want to make people feel safe and welcome, make sure to adopt a relaxed posture with open arms and constant eye contact. You can even go for a friendly pat on the shoulder or even a warm hug.
6. Paraphrase your conversation partner. Paraphrasing is among the most effective strategies for empathic listening. Letting your conversation partner know that you understand his perspective creates an ideal climate for sharing emotions. In fact, research suggests paraphrasing – along with clarifying, questioning, and remembering details – are the critical elements of empathic listening. Furthermore, this creates a safe space where people can share and engage in self-exploration. Paraphrasing your conversation partner is relatively easy. All you need to do is listen to what your partner has to say and rephrase his/her message.
7. Ask open-ended questions. If you want your conversation partner to share, you need to ‘fuel’ the conversation by asking open-ended questions. Sometimes, people don’t ‘open up’ that easily. Not everyone will be willing to talk to you openly, especially when it comes to personal problems. And that’s why you need to give him/her a push by using questions that create opportunities for sharing. Although smart questions can enrich a conversation, make sure you’re not intrusive. You’re supposed to have a comfortable talk, not an interview. If you notice that your partner doesn’t feel comfortable, refrain from asking questions and let him/her dictate the flow of the conversation.
8. Stop giving unsolicited advice. When you’re looking to establish an emotional connection with someone, the worst thing you can do is offer unsolicited advice. Nothing ‘kills’ the vibe of a good conversation more than telling the other person what he/she should do. Remember that empathic listening is mostly about understanding and ‘connectedness.’ Sometimes, all it takes to establish an emotional connection is active listening. If, however, you think you have a good piece of advice to offer, ask your conversation partner if he/she is interested in hearing it.
9. Don’t ‘fill up’ the silence. Many of us tend to feel awkward during the occasional moments of silence that are specific to any conversation. But silence can be a powerful tool in establishing an authentic connection is you know how to use it. You can use silence to allow the other person to take charge of the conversation or give him/her enough time to process your input and come up with an answer. And let’s not forget that a conversation doesn’t rely solely on a constant exchange of words. There’s also your body language which through which you can express empathy and build an authentic connection.
2 comments:
I think very often we hear what we want to hear. And very often in a cacophony of noise we pick out what we want to hear and go with that.
--Hiram
I whole heartedly agree. Here is an interesting piece.
"Here are five listening mistakes that limit our ability to build healthier relationships, sell more and coach better:
1) Distracted listening. Are you a multitasking listener? Well, stop. Focus on each person you’re listening to—nothing else. If you’re not present and engaged, it shows. If you’re having a conversation with someone while you’re on your phone texting, it’s disrespectful and demonstrates a lack of social awareness. You’re telling the other person they’re not important enough for you to stop what you’re doing, and that kills trust—which ultimately sabotages business results.
In the same vein, it’s important to be mentally present as well. When speaking with someone, avoid thinking about your next meeting, your personal agenda, how you’re being perceived, how much money you’ll make if you make the sale, your fears about not making the sale or presenting well, or what you’re doing after the conversation ends. And don’t allow background noise or distractions to hinder your ability to stay focused and listen.
2) Impatient listening. During conversations, do you stop listening and cut people off while they’re talking because you think you know what they’re going to say? Don’t be an impatient listener by waiting for a pause so that you can respond with your agenda.
Always make sure you’re truly present and giving your full attention to the other person, not thinking about the next question you’re going to ask in order to guide them to where you want them to be. That isn’t good communication—it’s manipulation. Be patient, listen and let the last word or statement someone shares become the springboard for your next question.
3) Filtered listening. When you listen through a filter, your interpretation of what you hear is based on past experiences or beliefs. You then take those past experiences and project them as a future expectation, believing something like, “The last time I spoke with this person, the conversation didn’t go very well, so I’m sure it will happen again.”
In essence, filtered listening is the belief that you’ve already listened to an entire conversation without having it. If you approach every conversation with a clean slate and without any preconceptions, you open up the opportunity to create a new outcome.
4) Selective listening. Do you hear only what you want to hear? Do you listen differently to different people? Do you pass judgment based on what you see or know about the person, such as their age, status, perceived level of success, personal relationship, disposition, dress, profession or job title?
Good listening means lending your ears equally to everyone, whether they’re friends, family, peers, your boss, customers, strangers or even a person experiencing homelessness.
5) Verbal-only listening. Don’t neglect the message someone is sending apart from their words. Poor listening means ignoring non-verbal cues and body language, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone, inflection, attitude, transparency, level of engagement, focus and disposition.
If any of these behaviors seem familiar, you are limiting your ability to intentionally and proactively listen in a way that will foster deeper trust and engagement, effective collaboration, stronger relationships and greater success. These limitations will also prevent you from maximizing your personal brand, sales and leadership efforts, opportunities and income."
Post a Comment