Sunday, April 19, 2009

Conflict and Collusion - Break the Cycle

Continuing with some concepts from "The Anatomy of Peace" and "Leadership and Self Deception" by Arbinger.

One definition I need to clarify: "Self Deception" is something we all do on a regular basis. It is not because we are bad, mean, stupid, etc. It is just how we are wired as human beings. We create stories regarding events and people based on our history, experiences, motives, challenges, situation, etc. An easy example: an individual that you distrust and dislike does something nice for you and you create a story regarding "they must have an alternative motive" instead of "accepting the gift as a simple act of kindness".

By the way, the surest way to enter into "self deception" is to not act on what you "feel" is right. I see another person struggling to lift or accomplish something, I "feel" an urge to help them and I do not act... My stories are then that I was too busy, my needs were more important, "they" didn't deserve my help, they brought it upon themselves, they should have known better, etc

Now I realize that there are some sociopaths, psychopaths and just evil people out there, however the reality is the vast majority are just folks like you and me that are trying to manage based on their own stories and situations. What I am promoting is that we become aware of techniques that allow us to question our own stories to ensure they are as unbiased as they can be. Here is one such technique.

How to Recover Inner Clarity & Peace

Look for signs of self deception (blaming others, self justification, stereotyping, labeling/dehumanizing others, etc)

Stop and find a new perspective (friends/family who are not involved, memories, activities, places, etc)

Ponder the situation anew. Ask:

  • What are the other person’s or people’s challenges, trials, burdens, and pains?
  • How am I, or some group of which I am part, adding to these challenges, trials, burdens, and pains?
  • In what other ways have I or my group neglected or mistreated this person or group?
  • In what ways are my "better-than", "I-deserve", "worse-than", and "must-be-seen-as" boxes obscuring the truth about others and myself and interfering with potential solutions?
  • What am I feeling I should do for this person or group? What could I do to help?
  • To prevent falling back into self deception: I need to act upon what I have discovered. I need to do what I am feeling I should do !

    By the way, this does not mean that you GIVE IN ALL THE TIME or LET YOURSELF BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF !!!! More on this soon. Thoughts ?

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